Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
