I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
