you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
