I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
