This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
