Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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