i permit you to call me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
