Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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