You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
