I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
not ubering you a puppy
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
