Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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