She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
