4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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