i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
