If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
