i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
send nudes
from the living room?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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