no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is Oprah even human
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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