Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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