Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
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