apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
