I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
