Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
