Can Purell be used as lube?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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