Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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