i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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