oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
