I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
