You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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