I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
