why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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