I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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