You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
