Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
