i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
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I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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