Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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