So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
