Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
