The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
