My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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