So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
