Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
