don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
