She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
