dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk