Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have already put on my inside pants.