the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
