My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
