I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
