420 ftw
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
