Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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