i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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