either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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