I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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