you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
