I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
