I wannas sexs uuuuu
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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