my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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