I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
